***If you’re religious, this is not for you. (irreverent)
Introduce yourself, please.
I am God. I made everything. That’s all you need to know.
Are you perfect?
No, I am not. I make mistakes. The biggest one so far was trying to make you an image of myself. But I failed. I could have erased you and started from scratch again. But in the end, I liked what I saw. You had imperfections, and you had your whole life to work on them.
Are you happy?
Happiness is never permanent, which makes me sad.
Why do you allow so many injustices in the world?
You have to stop blaming me for everything. I gave you life. You live it as you wish, if you’re happy or not. It’s your free will. The choices you make will make you happy or miserable. It’s all up to you. You create your destiny.
Do you have a mother?
No, I never had one. I’m not sad because of that. There’s nothing to miss.
Are you going to help us one day?
No, you’re on your own. You should help yourselves. You should know that by now. I gave you the world; if you destroy it, it’s your fault.
If you’re our father, who’s our mother?
You can have Eve or Mary or Mother Earth. If you ask me if I have a wife, I don’t. And I’m not looking for one either.
Do you believe in the Bible?
That’s a funny one.
Do you?
Nobody should. It’s been edited without my permission a million times. You should consider the Bible to be just a rumor. Somebody said: “News told, rumors heard, truth implied, facts buried.” I can’t say it is better than that. Rumors don’t care what’s true. What you say now it’s going to be changed tomorrow. Always remember this, rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots.
Do you listen to our prayers?
No. Why should I if I’m not going to fix your problems?
Is there anybody you admire?
Yes, the list is long. And not all I admire are here with me.
Does that mean you can also admire evil people?
I don’t want to set a bad example. The answer is no.
Is the world going to end soon?
I cannot answer that. The world ends when you die. Don’t worry about that. Embrace life. Death is your reward.
Are the Popes helping you?
Not at all. Popes are too old-fashioned, too narrow-minded, and too arrogant. They’re worse than my apostles, disciples, and prophets. Not all of them are here with me. Sorry, I can’t give you the list.
Tell me a little about Paradise and Hell.
They don’t exist. With your behavior, you can experience both of them here on Earth.
Is your job boring?
If all of you were good, I would have resigned long ago. What makes it interesting is bad people. My job is not boring; I’m watching millions of movies simultaneously. Evil is winning.
Will you ever send another of your sons back to Earth?
No, you people are too mean. Jesus is still traumatized by your actions.
Can you perform a miracle?
I’m not a magician. When you die, I’ll make you stop breathing. How’s that for a miracle?
Do you have anything to say to Atheists?
Atheists are fools, and so are Jesus freaks. I feel sorry for them. They should spend their time more wisely.
Do you dislike homosexuals?
No. People that hate homosexuals are fools too. Your body is yours, do with it as you please. Just don’t mistreat it, and don’t kill yourselves.
Did you write the Ten Commandments?
Yes, but initially, there were only six. The rest were made up to make you docile and obedient. I don’t want you to be afraid of me. If you don’t worship me, nothing bad will happen to you. Moses must have smoked weed before he climbed that mountain. I’ll give you the list later.
Are you really everywhere?
That’s nonsense. Religions are man-made, and their leaders want to manipulate you with fear. The best way to obtain obedience is to plant fear. I can’t keep an eye on all of you constantly.
Who is the Holy Spirit?
Same thing as mermaids, unicorns, and Bigfoot.
Are you handsome?
Yes.
Can I take a selfie with you?
Don’t be silly.
Are you against divorce and contraceptives?
No. Marriage should not have chains; your body should not have chains. Everybody should always be free. Promiscuity is what’s bad.
Of all the injustices in the world, the most terrible is seeing children suffer. Can you do something about it?
Children are human; all humans sometimes suffer.
I’m not convinced; you need to do something about it. You have to promise you’ll do something.
If all of you help me, something can be done.
Do you hate Satan?
I don’t love him, and I don’t hate him. I dislike him. I dislike Hitler too.
Can I have my cake and eat it too?
Yes. But when you die, you won’t be allowed to bring anything here, not even a slice for me.
Do you like Rock?
It’s okay, but I prefer classical music.
Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Beatles. When the Stones release “Sympathy for God,” I might reconsider.
Why did you allow the holocaust to happen?
I have no blood on my hands. Humans kill humans, “intervention” is not in my vocabulary.
Can you disarm the entire world?
Humans kill humans. Humans build arms and weapons.
Will we ever have a new God or Goddess? Can someone else come and challenge you?
Have you heard about Satan? A Goddess might be a good idea.
Some people might say that this interview is fictitious. They might think that I’m answering my questions.
If they can believe in the Bible and its million tales, they can believe in this too. If not, who cares?
Can you be my friend?
Yes.
Why are your responses so laconic?
I don’t need to adorn things up. I’m wise.
You’re a bit cold. Do you love me?
I’m sorry. I didn’t want to give that impression. Come here, hug me.
You mentioned several times that we are on our own and that you don’t want to intervene anymore. Then, what do you do?
Are you saying I’m useless?
No, I’m just implying that you don’t do anything anymore. (same thing)
I’m the judge and the administrator. I’m the doorkeeper too.
Do you enjoy giving punishment?
You get what you deserve. If the balance turns out to be unfair, it gets even after you die.
Who made you?
I thought you’d never ask that. I made me myself.
Are homosexuals a third gender?
Procreation is love and reward.
Why don’t you show yourself?
I sometimes do, but you ignore or mistreat me as you do with each other.
Why don’t you make guns and drugs disappear?
If I did, you’d reinvent them the next day.
Are you better than Superman?
I wish.
Are religions good for humankind?
No. I’m still waiting for humans to invent something good.
Was it all planned this way, including your mistakes?
No, it’s been deteriorating from the beginning. If you could alter my design, you’re smarter than I thought.
Can you give us a copy of the original manuscripts of the Bible?
What for, you’ll change it again.
Could we have been able to domesticate dinosaurs?
No, they ate your first generation.
What side are you on, Israel or Palestine?
None, they’re both fools.
If you are omnipotent, why don’t you get rid of Satan? That way, everybody could be good all the time.
Satan is in you, and so am I. You fight good and evil within you.
I need to take a leak. Do you pee too? Mm, never mind that.
(Intermission)
How old are you and when’s your birthday?
Next question.
What’s outside the universe?
More universes.
Why don’t you get rid of mosquitoes?
A mosquito asked me the same question about humans.
Are you going to cry when I die?
The only time I cried was when you crucified my son.
Are you an extraterrestrial?
Yes, I wasn’t born here.
Are you the only God? Do you have your own God?
I’m the only God on this planet. I believe in myself.
What would you do if Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on your door?
I wouldn’t make any noise until they left.
Is the human race improving?
Very slowly.
Do you have a favorite Country? (please, please, say the USA)
You’re funny. Humankind is a single nation, a single planet. There are no countries in my heart.
Then, “God Bless America” is meaningless and useless?
Only American innocence and naivety could believe I exclusively “bless America.” That’s silly.
Can you give us the original list of the “Ten Commandments”?
1. Obey your Mom and Dad.
2. Do not kill.
3. Be faithful in marriage.
4. Do not steal.
5. Never tell a lie.
6. Don’t envy what others have.
Somebody added a few more without consulting me. The other four Commandments depicted me as a selfish, controlling God; nobody should consider those.
Any last thoughts or advice for humankind?
Be good and love each other.
The End
Edmundo Barraza
Lancaster, Ca. 09-16-2014
Accomplished Ignorant — Short Stories And Other Things 